Get Real

Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
-Psalm 19:12-14

  This passage truly is the cry of my heart right this very second. The things I write about in these devotionals are not just things that I think you should know. These are things that God has been speaking to me personally. If I place a convicting question or statement in front of you, it is only because God has recently placed it in front of me. This week is no exception! So, let's talk about these "hidden faults" and "willful sins." This is a topic that God and I have been discussing for weeks. For some reason, this week, it has been the main topic of our conversations. Sometimes, I think I can just ignore my spirit/flesh battle. Maybe if I just pretend it doesn't exist, it will go away. Denial. It's funny how we really think ignoring something makes is go away. But, sooner or later, we find out that the problem only grows. We are so busy not looking at it, that before we know it, it's bigger than us! How can we get rid of hidden faults if we continue to hide them? We can't!
  The bottom line is: Do you really want to be blameless? Do you really want to be innocent of great transgression? Do you really want the words of your mouth and the meditations of your heart to please God? Do YOU really want that? Let's do a heart check. Where is your heart? Do we REALLY love God or do we love our hidden sin? We can't serve two masters. Remember? It doesn't work that way. Are we really willing to let God search our hearts and clean us out? You know what else is funny? We think we have it all under control. We think we can control our hidden sins. The truth is, they control us. What will it take to admit it ALL? I don't mean that we never sin again. But, do we love Him enough to keep laying it down? Do we really want to be clean?
  What are YOU hiding? Another version (NLT) calls them "deliberate sins." Is there something you are fully aware is sin, but you keep doing it... deliberately? Perhaps, that sin is ruling over you. Perhaps, you are in bondage to it. And perhaps, that precious sin is standing in the way of a huge move of God in your life. Drop your chains! Give it up. Admit that you can't control it. When you release control, He takes it. YOU can't fix it, but you CAN get real.

Open Your Graves

Then he said to me: "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.' Therefore prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.' "
-Ezekiel 37:11-14

 Earlier in this chapter, the hand of the Lord took Ezekiel to a valley. This valley was full of bones. There weren't just a few little bones here and there. This valley was FULL of very dry bones. The word says that the Lord led him back and forth through them; and there were "a great many bones." Then, the Lord asked Ezekiel if these bones can live. He gave God a pretty good answer! Ezekiel said, "O Sovereign Lord, only you know." Then, God told Ezekiel to prophesy to the dry bones. Prophesy to dead, dry bones? I would have thought that was pretty crazy! But, Ezekiel did it. He prophesied to those bones and he heard a sound. With a rattling sound, the bones came together! Suddenly, tendons and flesh appeared on them; but there was no breath. Then God had him prophesy to the breath. After he spoke, breath entered the bodies and they rose to their feet - a vast army! Amazing!
 How many of you are in a valley right now? Do you feel like the hand of the Lord has led you into a valley? And maybe, you look around and all you see are bones. Dry bones. What is dead and dry in your life? Surely something comes to mind. If not, ask God, he will reveal it. Do you feel like hope has dried up? Maybe, you just don't see how life could come from so many dried up bones.
 Fortunately for us, raising dead things is our God's specialty! Perhaps you need to do what Ezekiel did. Admit that all you see are dry bones. Confess that only He knows if they can be brought to life. And then, prophesy (speak truth) to those bones! Speak life into your own life. Even when all we see with our own eyes is death, the Word is still living! Speak what you know is true. Stand on it. Then, watch the God who loves to revive, revive you! There is nothing He can't revive. He has already conquered death. Let Him take you to that valley. Go ahead and survey the bones. But don't hang out with them. Open your mouth and speak life and truth to yourself and others. Without fail, He will "open your graves and bring you up from them!"

Walled In

Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
"I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now."
-Hosea 2:6-7

 I feel like God wants us to get straight to the point this week. So answer this... "What are your lovers?" What do you run to and chase after? What do you turn to, time and time again? What are YOUR lovers? We all have them. I know I do. Oh, how amazing it is that we serve such a patient and forgiving God! Not only does He take us back every single time we prostitute ourselves to these lovers, but He takes action to lure us back to him. He is such a jealous God! And rightfully so! I am so unbelievably glad that He only lets me run so far before he blocks my path and herds me back!  Just meditate on that fact. We are loved so intensely and known so well, that before we run to our lovers, He goes out ahead of us and puts up obstacles so we can't get too far away. He is after our hearts! And He is willing to fight anyone or anything to get to them! You, my friend, are deeply loved! And you are known - truly known! He knows which lovers tempt us the most. And He knows exactly which "thornbushes" to put in our path.
 Maybe I'm weird, but I love the idea of God "walling us in." He knows me so well; He knows that my real desire is only satisfied in Him. So, He walls me in, not allowing me to hurt myself by chasing after these lovers I'll never catch. When all I hit are walls, I turn around, and there He is... just me and Him. I run right into His arms! Then, I wonder why I even thought of running in the first place! And I am so thankful He didn't let me get too far!

Then she will say, "I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now."

Praise you God for being so crazy jealous for us! Thank you that true satisfaction is found in you alone. Thank you for loving us so deeply and knowing us so fully! And thank you that you are the kind of husband who fights for His bride! We worship you alone!

Isaiah 66:5-16

God has been leading me to study "whirlwinds." While studying tonight, he led me to this passage. If you are led to read this, please pray over it and meditate on it. We know revival is coming. And it is 2 sided. Hope and Judgement. Peace and War. Water and Fire. Pray for hearts to turn! Don't grow weary. Those who persevere will reap a harvest! Feel free to give me some feedback... comment or email me! adiffferentcalling@yahoo.com


Hear the word of the LORD,
you who tremble at his word:
"Your brothers who hate you,
and exclude you because of my name, have said,
'Let the LORD be glorified,
that we may see your joy!'
Yet they will be put to shame.

Hear that uproar from the city,
hear that noise from the temple!
It is the sound of the LORD
repaying his enemies all they deserve.

"Before she goes into labor,
she gives birth;
before the pains come upon her,
she delivers a son.

Who has ever heard of such a thing?
Who has ever seen such things?
Can a country be born in a day
or a nation be brought forth in a moment?
Yet no sooner is Zion in labor
than she gives birth to her children.

Do I bring to the moment of birth
and not give delivery?" says the LORD.
"Do I close up the womb
when I bring to delivery?" says your God.

"Rejoice with Jerusalem and be glad for her,
all you who love her;
rejoice greatly with her,
all you who mourn over her.

For you will nurse and be satisfied
at her comforting breasts;
you will drink deeply
and delight in her overflowing abundance."

For this is what the LORD says:
"I will extend peace to her like a river,
and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream;
you will nurse and be carried on her arm
and dandled on her knees.

As a mother comforts her child,
so will I comfort you;
and you will be comforted over Jerusalem."

When you see this, your heart will rejoice
and you will flourish like grass;
the hand of the LORD will be made known to his servants,
but his fury will be shown to his foes.

See, the LORD is coming with fire,
and his chariots are like a whirlwind;
he will bring down his anger with fury,
and his rebuke with flames of fire.

 For with fire and with his sword
the LORD will execute judgment upon all men,
and many will be those slain by the LORD."

Secure and Stable

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected," says your God.
"For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,"
says the LORD your Redeemer.
- Isaiah 54:4-8

 The unbelievable truth and love found in these verses overwhelms me. It speaks right to my core in so many ways! My guess is that everyone reading this has some sort of deep rooted fear of the same thing... rejection. I absolutely hate that word! Another guess is that most of us desire marriage so much that it hurts! My last guess is that we have all made some really bad mistakes that we regret and continue to beat ourselves up about. Have I hit a nerve yet? Thank God that v.4 says we don't have to fear rejection and shame! He knows our fears. And He knows that because of sin, rejection is bound  to happen. What we forget, though, is that we are fiercely and passionately loved! We all have things from our past that still haunt us; some more than others. Hurts, wrongs, sins... we can't seem to let go. So, we protect ourselves. Our defense mechanisms kick in. We push people away, run to things that won't satisfy, or we try to do enough good to make up for it. But God says that if we turn to him, we will forget the shame of our youth. Thank goodness he is a God who only lets us wander so far before, "with deep compassion," He brings us back! And as for those things we run to instead of him - they never seem to fill us. The security that we so desire only ebbs and flows.
  But there is hope! We can have real security that is always stable! It is constant, no matter what. He says, "Your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is his name... Your Redeemer!" He provides for us. Our stability and security are found in Him alone! Let Him be that security that you crave. Let him be that today! Let Him satisfy those desires that never seem to go away. Ask Him. Keep asking and see what happens! And don't be afraid to receive!

The Scary Single Cycle

"Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,"
says the LORD.
"Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nations
and settle in their desolate cities.
Isaiah 54:1-3

  As singles, we struggle so much with feeling forgotten. No matter how hard we try, we can't seem to stop what I call the "Single Cycle!" Sometimes, you are right on top! You are content in your singleness, hanging out with friends, staying out late, having fun, serving, and feeling close to God. Life is good! Until, something happens... you start to slide... You start to feel yourself thriving on that oh, so addictive attention from that oh, so addictive opposite sex! (Whichever your opposite may be...) Then, you notice someone else getting a little more attention than you. You aren't liking what you see in the mirror that day. You look around and notice you are the only one sitting in Starbuck who isn't "coupled up." (The case for me tonight) Or, you just start believing the many lies that the enemy throws at us everyday! You're not beautiful. You aren't worth it. No one wants you. He would never think you were attractive. She's just going to say "no," so dont even bother asking her out. It's safer to be passive. So then, we hit the bottom of the cycle... Hardcore case of the "Single Blues!"
How do we start to make our way back up? How... oh how... do we get back to that wonderful state of contentment and clarity? Simple... get the lies out. How do you get the lies out? You put the truth in! This passage is the exact opposite of what the enemy feeds us. God says we are even more blessed than those who are married! Wow! He tells us to shout for joy! And he promises that our blessings will be so abundant that we won't have room to store them all! Verses 2 &; 3 make me think that He is also telling us to think bigger! Look beyond what is right infront of us; try to see the whole picture. It's about His vision, not our's. HIS vision, NOT our's! How do we change our vision? We don't. He does. But, we have to turn our hearts toward him, lay down the lies, pick up the Word, and ask Him to change us. And guess what? He ALWAYS does.
   Lord, help us to not spiral down that scary "Single Cycle." Thank you for your truth. Thank you for not forgetting us. Beckon us back to you. Give us a love for your word. And change our vision.

Striving and Hiding

Why is it that women never really believe that we are enough? Actually, that is only half of the time. The other half, we think that we're too much. How can someone really be too much and not enough at the same time? Why do we buy into this lie? Why are we all so insecure that we somehow think we can never measure up, no matter what the standard?
Am I enough? Am I too much? Am I worth it?
I'm pretty sure these questions resonate with every woman, no matter how strong or wise or beautiful. It doesn't matter how "put together" she seems. While reading the book, Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge, I discovered that all women tend to lean toward one extreme or the other. We either strive, or we hide.
Those who strive are the one's who believe they aren't enough, but are determined to become enough or appear that they are enough. These are the ones who live at the gym or are obsessed with their homes being spotless. They are the one's who bury themselves in their work or spend hours getting ready in the morning. Look perfect, be perfect, appear perfect. Work for it, run for it, strive for it.
Then there are those of us who hide. They believe they're not enough or that they're too much (or maybe both). Instead of working overtime to make themselves enough, they give up. They would rather stay home and hide. They feel alone, but then they choose to be alone. These women are more noticably insecure.
I used to think I was just a hider, but I have learned that I am (like many women) a mixture of the two. I strive to appear perfect, but on the inside I feel like a hider. How do we stop these intense insecurities? How do move past them and see ourselves the way Christ sees us?
I believe the first step is to realize that these feelings of unworthiness are lies. LIES. And they are straight from the father of lies! Satan knows that women are a huge threat to him. We are the heart! We are the heart of our churches, of our families, of our friendship groups, of THE church in general, of our workplaces, of any type of ministry. Satan knows this. He knows that if he can destroy the heart, the rest of the body cannot function. Even if he simply weakens the heart, it will affect the entire body. I pray that we, as women of God, will see who we really are, who God has truly made us to be. We are precious jewels in God's hand! We are treasures that are already treasured by the Father.
Lord, help us to recogize Satan for who he is and reject his hideous lies! Open our spiritual eyes so that we can see how unbelievably precious we are to you. Change us so that our thoughts are like your thoughts and our eyes see what you see. Thank you God!
"For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet,
till her righteousness shines out like the dawn,
her salvation like a blazing torch.
The nations will see your righteousness,
and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.
You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD's hand,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God."
         Isaiah 62:1-3

The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful

Why is it so hard to just be real? Why are we so afraid to just be ourselves and say what we want to say? It's so easy to wear our masks that constantly say everything is ok. If you are anything like me, talking about your weaknesses and struggles is really hard. It definitely is for me! There are some people that I open up to pretty easily. But, for the most part, its so much easier for me to only talk about the things that I want people to know. The problem with that is, everything is not always ok. Sometimes things are really sucky. Sometimes, I get so weighed down with shame and self-hate. And sometimes I really want to talk about it. I want to reach out to people and ask for prayer. I am so quick to tell others that I will pray for them - and I mean it. I really do pray for people. God has called me to intercede for others. But sometimes, the intercessor needs some intercession. What am I so afraid of? I don't know why, but it is really hard for me to believe people when they say that they will pray. So, if I share too much, I feel foolish. This is what I hear in my head: "what was the point of telling all that - they don't really care - they aren't really going to pray - they're just going to forget - you care more about them then they care about you - that was stupid to open up like that - next time don't talk so much."
You know what the funny thing is? It's not just about sharing my struggles. I hear those things even when I open up and encourage someone - when I share how much I care about them. I have noticed this kind of attack just about everytime I share any kind of emotion - postive or negative. Satan knows a woman's biggest fear - our biggest question. "Am I worth it? What if I'm not worth it?" We almost constantly fear that we are "too much" but "not enough" all at the same time. Too emotional, too complicated, too jealous, too insecure, too independent, too obsessed with things, too talkative, too closed off, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not successful enough, not vulnerable enough, not organized enough, not smart enough, not "proverbs 31" enough....... its exhausting....
I have all of these fears and more. I think it all comes down to a huge fear of rejection - that it may turn out that I'm not worth it. I know this post seems a little depressing, but you know what? Sometimes Michelle Miller gets depressed. I don't always have it together, I don't always know the right thing to say, I don't always do the right thing. God is really dealing with me about some stuff. He's been bringing some issues to the surface and having me share them with different people. It's hard for me. But we have to recognize and admit where we lack so that we will recognize our intense need for God. And when people share their crap with me, I don't feel quite so bad about my own crap. I feel like there's hope. And isn't that what we are all called to do? Share the hope we have found in Christ? Although, this post may have been more of a release than anything else - I hope it helps someone to know that they aren't alone and there is hope. And in the words of my dear friend Katie, "We all have shit, we just dress it up different!"
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthinans 12:7-10

Keep Your Ears Open and Your Mouth Shut...

"As you enter the house of God, keep your ears open and your mouth shut. It is evil to make mindless offerings to God. Don’t make rash promises, and don’t be hasty in bringing matters before God. After all, God is in heaven, and you are here on earth. So let your words be few." Eccl 5:1-2

I have been thinking about this a lot the past couple of days. How often do I just run my mouth to God and then get frustrated when things don't turn out the way I wanted? Then I think, "Are you even listening God? Hello?? Why can't you just answer this one thing the way I want you to?" I am so guilty of making rash promises and being hasty. My question should be, "Why do I not give God a chance to speak?" I wonder why I don't always hear him clearly. I wonder why I let my emotions cloud my discernment of his voice. But am I really even giving him a chance to speak?
The more I think about this, the more I realize that belief is not really my problem. I believe God can speak to me. I believe that he will speak to me. Actually, I know he will. But, sometimes that is exactly why I don't listen. I think my issue is more about my insecurity. I still so often doubt that his will toward me is good and that he loves me as much as he does. I fear that I will not want to hear what he has to say. The truth is, I don't take criticism well. I don't take discipline well. I never have. And for some reason, I fear that God is only going to criticize me. Why? Why do I doubt his goodness when all he has been is good? Why do I doubt his character? I still fear that he may not be trustworthy even though I know that he is. I fear that he will not approve, even though I know that his takes delight in me. I know these things, and I know that they are thuth, but I still doubt. And I still fear. He has done nothing but prove himself trustworthy.
Everytime I do sit and listen, he always speaks to me. And it is always wonderful. Last night, he gave me a new revelation. (He tends to do that a lot!) I was sitting with my eyes closed, blocking out the visual distractions. I was meditating on one verse - Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." I have heard and read this verse a million times. But, I asked God for a new revelation. I sat and I waited. I felt his presence. The Holy Spirit brought to my mind a person/situation that I have been coming to him about a lot lately. Then I heard this verse in a new way... "Be STILL (do nothing, just watch). And you will KNOW that I am God." It made me think of my last blog post. It was about leading or being led. God was telling me not to lead. He was telling me to be still; let him do the work. He said that when I am still and watch HIM do it, then I will Know that HE is God. It will not be me. It will not be in my power. I will know and everyone who witnesses will know that he is God. No matter what the outcome is, I will still know.
We have to stop talking soooo much. We have to listen. When we listen, we will hear him. And when we hear him, our hearts change. The Holy Spirit guides us to pray for what is on His heart rather than our own. Our hearts becomes more and more like his until our desires are the same. His will, his glory, his power, his strength, his presence. This is what we will desire. Oh Lord, let my heart be like your's. Change me. I will be still and watch. You are always so faithful without fail. Show your glory.

To Lead or Be Led...

Recently, I was asked a question. "At what point do you stop waiting for God to give a clear answer and just take some action and make something happen?" Now, I am definitely no expert on the voice of God. I like to think I have some level of discernment and know God's voice. But in those times when you are unsure of exactly what to do - that question always arises. Should I go ahead and do something?? Or do I continue to wait on God? Or, maybe he really is telling me to do something but I'm just not reading the signs or taking the clues... maybe I'm not hearing his voice correctly. I have had so many times when I thought God was telling me something so I went after it with my whole heart, and then it did not turn out the way I had hoped. So, then I feel so foolish and I question whether or not I really know his voice at all. I think about how much I seek after him and how much I desire to please him and do his will. Then when I get it wrong, a thousand things go through my head. Should I have done something differently? Should I have waited? Maybe I prayed wrong? Maybe my motives were wrong?
Something tells me I am not alone in these fears and insecurities. I'm sure they are very common among people who are seeking God's will for their lives. When I look back, I see that some of those things I stepped into on my own were my mistakes. Perhaps my discernment was clouded by my flesh. I think I know what I want. So I think I see confirmation. I make my own connections. So, to avoid these mistakes, is it ok to just wait and do nothing? Should I always be "stepping out in faith" in every situation even if I'm unsure? Are there times when I should just wait and pray? And again, at what time does that waiting and praying turn into stepping out in faith?
One of my very favorite passages in the bible is 2Chronicles 20:1-30. This is the story of King Jehoshaphat. He is faced with a huge problem. A large army (much larger than his) is coming against him. He is terrified and the first thing he does is ask the Lord what he should do. He prays with all the people of Judah standing there. Then the Lord speaks through a man named Jahaziel. God tells them, "Don't be afraid or discouraged because of this large army. The battle is not your battle, it is God's... You won't need to fight in this battle. Just stand strong in your places, and you will see the Lord save you..." Such a powerful response!! And the people do just that; they stand strong. They don't fight, but they don't do nothing either. They stand and sing praises and worship God. While they worship, they watch the Lord cause their enemies to kill each other. Afterwards, they go down to the battlefield and all they see are dead bodies. No one was left alive; no one escaped. There were so many valuables left that it took the people of Judah 3 days to gather it all!
I love this story because Jehoshaphat had a choice. He could have doubted God's plan and decided to fight as hard as he could, step out, and make something happen. God specifically told him not to step out. And even though it did not seem like the wise choice. It might have seemed to outsiders that he was giving up or being lazy... expecting God to do all the work. But in reality, he was giving up... he was giving up control and letting God be God. He wasn't just sitting on the sidelines doing nothing. He was worshipping God! He was praising God while he waited for him to do his thing. I have really thought and prayed over that question I was asked. And I think the key is intimacy with God. We don't wait idle. We go to him immediately. We worship him. We seek him. We stay in communion with him. Then we will know when to take the next step. I do know his voice. The enemy cannot take that from me. He can cause me to doubt it sometimes - but the Word says that I know it - and THAT is Truth! Satan cannot change the truth. And if I make a mistake, which I will because I'm human, God still uses my mistakes for my good. He makes all things new. And he is always in control, even when things seem out of control.

Vulnerable or Guarded?

For the past year or so, I have been pondering this idea of being vulnerable yet guarding my heart at the same time. We are told "above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23. And I definitely agree with that! So many times, I have failed to guard my heart, especially regarding guys. I desire marriage so much that sometimes I will defraud myself into thinking that I have met the one. And now, it is up to me to "make it happen!" I know now that this way of thinking is so common among women. I also know that it can be dangerous. Why do I long to give my heart away so quickly? For so long I saw myself as "the girl who's never dated." I pretty much made that my identity. I know that my worth is not based on men. I know this. But still, this was a part of me. I felt like it set me apart from other girls. The downside is that all I had experienced was rejection. When you have only experienced feelings that are never returned, insecurity definitely sets in. You wonder what is wrong with you. So many times, I feel like I am not enough and too much all at the same time. At some point, guarding your heart gets a little easier. But it is out of fear of putting it out there at all. And is that how we are supposed to be? Are we supposed to be so guarded that we don't allow ourselves to feel anything until there is a guarantee the other person will share those feelings? I recently had my first dating experience, at the age of 24. It lasted less than 2 weeks. It just wasn't the right thing - for many reasons. For one thing, my heart was not in it, and neither was his. We also both had very different ideas on what a relationship should look like. I won't go into all the little things. I'll just say that I stepped out there and gave it a chance even though I was not initially interested. So, it was easy to guard my heart because I was not emotionally invested. But, the lack of feelings kept me from being at all vulnerable. In this case, I was not quenching feelings. They just were not there. So I ended things. But what about someone else? I think its a balance. Feelings make us want us to be vulnerable, but also make it difficult to guard our hearts. I'm sure it is wonderful when it all works out in that balance and the other person shares the same feelings. But the uncertainty is so scary. At what point do I stop guarding so much and allow myself to be a little vulnerable with someone I do have feelings for? It is such a risk. Such a risk that it would be the same old thing. Just one more person who does not feel the same. Just one more rejection. But at the same time, if I guard too much and don't allow myself to feel anything at all, because of fear... what might I miss? I really don't want to deal with all of this stuff. I just want to be chosen. I want to be sought after. I want someone to think I'm special and worth the effort. Maybe I will just have to wait for that. But I know he's not going to fall from heaven! I have to deal with the vulnerable/guarded balance. There are no guarantees. I definitely don't have things figured out. But I do know that fear and insecurity are not from God.
Lord, show me this balance. Help me to discern when I am supposed to really guard my heart and when I can be a little vulnerable. Protect my heart, God. And I pray for my husband - that you will protect his heart as well. Thank you for preparing me for him, and him for me. Guide our steps...

Something Different

All my life I have felt different... like there is something different... maybe even special about my life. I have felt a calling on my life that even I don't fully understand. I've just always known that I am to live my life differently than other people. I know that I'm being pretty vague, but the reason is because I don't always know what it means. I just know that God has called me to live for Him and Him alone. Most people value plans and financial security. Those things seem wise and it makes sense that people would want to secure their futures. They make plans and know what will come next, or have something to fall back on "just in case." For some reason, I have never really had that kind of mentality. God has called me to live differently - day by day, step by step.
In Genesis 12:1, The Lord said to Abram, "Leave your country, your relatives, and your father's family, and go to the land I will show you. I will make you a great nation, and I will bless you. I will make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others. I will bless those who bless you, and I will place a curse on those you harm you. And all the people on earth will be blessed through you." (NCV)
When God tells me to step - I step. When he tells me to stay - I stay. I don't value money all that much. For the past 2 and a half years, God has carried me. I know we have to have money to live a decent life, I won't deny that. I just know that all the money is His anyway. I have never been without. I have never lacked anything. I try not to worry about what I will eat or wear or anything like that. He always provides. His provisions are even above and beyond what I ask. "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33. Christ is the only security in my life. Yes, I have been blessed with a wonderful and supportive family. But, even they do not always understand my call.
Day by day, step by step. "I'll let you know when you get there." It doesn't seem very secure; does it? But that's the beauty of it all! It is the most secure way there is to live! He is so much more capable of taking care of me than I am of taking care of myself. It definitely takes trust. God, however, has proven himself to me over and over throughout my whole life. He is more than capable. He is trustworthy. And HIS plans for me are good. His plans are so much better than mine. I have experienced things and felt his presence in ways that not many people my age have. Like I said, I have always felt that my life was different in some way. I don't know why, but I am grateful for his providence. Oh, how I love Him. He is the only true constant in my life. Even my parents cannot compare to His faithfullness and His unconditional love for me. I can rest in the fact that I am in His hands. He takes care of me. And nothing can change that. Nothing.