To Lead or Be Led...

Recently, I was asked a question. "At what point do you stop waiting for God to give a clear answer and just take some action and make something happen?" Now, I am definitely no expert on the voice of God. I like to think I have some level of discernment and know God's voice. But in those times when you are unsure of exactly what to do - that question always arises. Should I go ahead and do something?? Or do I continue to wait on God? Or, maybe he really is telling me to do something but I'm just not reading the signs or taking the clues... maybe I'm not hearing his voice correctly. I have had so many times when I thought God was telling me something so I went after it with my whole heart, and then it did not turn out the way I had hoped. So, then I feel so foolish and I question whether or not I really know his voice at all. I think about how much I seek after him and how much I desire to please him and do his will. Then when I get it wrong, a thousand things go through my head. Should I have done something differently? Should I have waited? Maybe I prayed wrong? Maybe my motives were wrong?
Something tells me I am not alone in these fears and insecurities. I'm sure they are very common among people who are seeking God's will for their lives. When I look back, I see that some of those things I stepped into on my own were my mistakes. Perhaps my discernment was clouded by my flesh. I think I know what I want. So I think I see confirmation. I make my own connections. So, to avoid these mistakes, is it ok to just wait and do nothing? Should I always be "stepping out in faith" in every situation even if I'm unsure? Are there times when I should just wait and pray? And again, at what time does that waiting and praying turn into stepping out in faith?
One of my very favorite passages in the bible is 2Chronicles 20:1-30. This is the story of King Jehoshaphat. He is faced with a huge problem. A large army (much larger than his) is coming against him. He is terrified and the first thing he does is ask the Lord what he should do. He prays with all the people of Judah standing there. Then the Lord speaks through a man named Jahaziel. God tells them, "Don't be afraid or discouraged because of this large army. The battle is not your battle, it is God's... You won't need to fight in this battle. Just stand strong in your places, and you will see the Lord save you..." Such a powerful response!! And the people do just that; they stand strong. They don't fight, but they don't do nothing either. They stand and sing praises and worship God. While they worship, they watch the Lord cause their enemies to kill each other. Afterwards, they go down to the battlefield and all they see are dead bodies. No one was left alive; no one escaped. There were so many valuables left that it took the people of Judah 3 days to gather it all!
I love this story because Jehoshaphat had a choice. He could have doubted God's plan and decided to fight as hard as he could, step out, and make something happen. God specifically told him not to step out. And even though it did not seem like the wise choice. It might have seemed to outsiders that he was giving up or being lazy... expecting God to do all the work. But in reality, he was giving up... he was giving up control and letting God be God. He wasn't just sitting on the sidelines doing nothing. He was worshipping God! He was praising God while he waited for him to do his thing. I have really thought and prayed over that question I was asked. And I think the key is intimacy with God. We don't wait idle. We go to him immediately. We worship him. We seek him. We stay in communion with him. Then we will know when to take the next step. I do know his voice. The enemy cannot take that from me. He can cause me to doubt it sometimes - but the Word says that I know it - and THAT is Truth! Satan cannot change the truth. And if I make a mistake, which I will because I'm human, God still uses my mistakes for my good. He makes all things new. And he is always in control, even when things seem out of control.

Vulnerable or Guarded?

For the past year or so, I have been pondering this idea of being vulnerable yet guarding my heart at the same time. We are told "above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23. And I definitely agree with that! So many times, I have failed to guard my heart, especially regarding guys. I desire marriage so much that sometimes I will defraud myself into thinking that I have met the one. And now, it is up to me to "make it happen!" I know now that this way of thinking is so common among women. I also know that it can be dangerous. Why do I long to give my heart away so quickly? For so long I saw myself as "the girl who's never dated." I pretty much made that my identity. I know that my worth is not based on men. I know this. But still, this was a part of me. I felt like it set me apart from other girls. The downside is that all I had experienced was rejection. When you have only experienced feelings that are never returned, insecurity definitely sets in. You wonder what is wrong with you. So many times, I feel like I am not enough and too much all at the same time. At some point, guarding your heart gets a little easier. But it is out of fear of putting it out there at all. And is that how we are supposed to be? Are we supposed to be so guarded that we don't allow ourselves to feel anything until there is a guarantee the other person will share those feelings? I recently had my first dating experience, at the age of 24. It lasted less than 2 weeks. It just wasn't the right thing - for many reasons. For one thing, my heart was not in it, and neither was his. We also both had very different ideas on what a relationship should look like. I won't go into all the little things. I'll just say that I stepped out there and gave it a chance even though I was not initially interested. So, it was easy to guard my heart because I was not emotionally invested. But, the lack of feelings kept me from being at all vulnerable. In this case, I was not quenching feelings. They just were not there. So I ended things. But what about someone else? I think its a balance. Feelings make us want us to be vulnerable, but also make it difficult to guard our hearts. I'm sure it is wonderful when it all works out in that balance and the other person shares the same feelings. But the uncertainty is so scary. At what point do I stop guarding so much and allow myself to be a little vulnerable with someone I do have feelings for? It is such a risk. Such a risk that it would be the same old thing. Just one more person who does not feel the same. Just one more rejection. But at the same time, if I guard too much and don't allow myself to feel anything at all, because of fear... what might I miss? I really don't want to deal with all of this stuff. I just want to be chosen. I want to be sought after. I want someone to think I'm special and worth the effort. Maybe I will just have to wait for that. But I know he's not going to fall from heaven! I have to deal with the vulnerable/guarded balance. There are no guarantees. I definitely don't have things figured out. But I do know that fear and insecurity are not from God.
Lord, show me this balance. Help me to discern when I am supposed to really guard my heart and when I can be a little vulnerable. Protect my heart, God. And I pray for my husband - that you will protect his heart as well. Thank you for preparing me for him, and him for me. Guide our steps...

Something Different

All my life I have felt different... like there is something different... maybe even special about my life. I have felt a calling on my life that even I don't fully understand. I've just always known that I am to live my life differently than other people. I know that I'm being pretty vague, but the reason is because I don't always know what it means. I just know that God has called me to live for Him and Him alone. Most people value plans and financial security. Those things seem wise and it makes sense that people would want to secure their futures. They make plans and know what will come next, or have something to fall back on "just in case." For some reason, I have never really had that kind of mentality. God has called me to live differently - day by day, step by step.
In Genesis 12:1, The Lord said to Abram, "Leave your country, your relatives, and your father's family, and go to the land I will show you. I will make you a great nation, and I will bless you. I will make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others. I will bless those who bless you, and I will place a curse on those you harm you. And all the people on earth will be blessed through you." (NCV)
When God tells me to step - I step. When he tells me to stay - I stay. I don't value money all that much. For the past 2 and a half years, God has carried me. I know we have to have money to live a decent life, I won't deny that. I just know that all the money is His anyway. I have never been without. I have never lacked anything. I try not to worry about what I will eat or wear or anything like that. He always provides. His provisions are even above and beyond what I ask. "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33. Christ is the only security in my life. Yes, I have been blessed with a wonderful and supportive family. But, even they do not always understand my call.
Day by day, step by step. "I'll let you know when you get there." It doesn't seem very secure; does it? But that's the beauty of it all! It is the most secure way there is to live! He is so much more capable of taking care of me than I am of taking care of myself. It definitely takes trust. God, however, has proven himself to me over and over throughout my whole life. He is more than capable. He is trustworthy. And HIS plans for me are good. His plans are so much better than mine. I have experienced things and felt his presence in ways that not many people my age have. Like I said, I have always felt that my life was different in some way. I don't know why, but I am grateful for his providence. Oh, how I love Him. He is the only true constant in my life. Even my parents cannot compare to His faithfullness and His unconditional love for me. I can rest in the fact that I am in His hands. He takes care of me. And nothing can change that. Nothing.