The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful

Why is it so hard to just be real? Why are we so afraid to just be ourselves and say what we want to say? It's so easy to wear our masks that constantly say everything is ok. If you are anything like me, talking about your weaknesses and struggles is really hard. It definitely is for me! There are some people that I open up to pretty easily. But, for the most part, its so much easier for me to only talk about the things that I want people to know. The problem with that is, everything is not always ok. Sometimes things are really sucky. Sometimes, I get so weighed down with shame and self-hate. And sometimes I really want to talk about it. I want to reach out to people and ask for prayer. I am so quick to tell others that I will pray for them - and I mean it. I really do pray for people. God has called me to intercede for others. But sometimes, the intercessor needs some intercession. What am I so afraid of? I don't know why, but it is really hard for me to believe people when they say that they will pray. So, if I share too much, I feel foolish. This is what I hear in my head: "what was the point of telling all that - they don't really care - they aren't really going to pray - they're just going to forget - you care more about them then they care about you - that was stupid to open up like that - next time don't talk so much."
You know what the funny thing is? It's not just about sharing my struggles. I hear those things even when I open up and encourage someone - when I share how much I care about them. I have noticed this kind of attack just about everytime I share any kind of emotion - postive or negative. Satan knows a woman's biggest fear - our biggest question. "Am I worth it? What if I'm not worth it?" We almost constantly fear that we are "too much" but "not enough" all at the same time. Too emotional, too complicated, too jealous, too insecure, too independent, too obsessed with things, too talkative, too closed off, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not successful enough, not vulnerable enough, not organized enough, not smart enough, not "proverbs 31" enough....... its exhausting....
I have all of these fears and more. I think it all comes down to a huge fear of rejection - that it may turn out that I'm not worth it. I know this post seems a little depressing, but you know what? Sometimes Michelle Miller gets depressed. I don't always have it together, I don't always know the right thing to say, I don't always do the right thing. God is really dealing with me about some stuff. He's been bringing some issues to the surface and having me share them with different people. It's hard for me. But we have to recognize and admit where we lack so that we will recognize our intense need for God. And when people share their crap with me, I don't feel quite so bad about my own crap. I feel like there's hope. And isn't that what we are all called to do? Share the hope we have found in Christ? Although, this post may have been more of a release than anything else - I hope it helps someone to know that they aren't alone and there is hope. And in the words of my dear friend Katie, "We all have shit, we just dress it up different!"
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthinans 12:7-10

Keep Your Ears Open and Your Mouth Shut...

"As you enter the house of God, keep your ears open and your mouth shut. It is evil to make mindless offerings to God. Don’t make rash promises, and don’t be hasty in bringing matters before God. After all, God is in heaven, and you are here on earth. So let your words be few." Eccl 5:1-2

I have been thinking about this a lot the past couple of days. How often do I just run my mouth to God and then get frustrated when things don't turn out the way I wanted? Then I think, "Are you even listening God? Hello?? Why can't you just answer this one thing the way I want you to?" I am so guilty of making rash promises and being hasty. My question should be, "Why do I not give God a chance to speak?" I wonder why I don't always hear him clearly. I wonder why I let my emotions cloud my discernment of his voice. But am I really even giving him a chance to speak?
The more I think about this, the more I realize that belief is not really my problem. I believe God can speak to me. I believe that he will speak to me. Actually, I know he will. But, sometimes that is exactly why I don't listen. I think my issue is more about my insecurity. I still so often doubt that his will toward me is good and that he loves me as much as he does. I fear that I will not want to hear what he has to say. The truth is, I don't take criticism well. I don't take discipline well. I never have. And for some reason, I fear that God is only going to criticize me. Why? Why do I doubt his goodness when all he has been is good? Why do I doubt his character? I still fear that he may not be trustworthy even though I know that he is. I fear that he will not approve, even though I know that his takes delight in me. I know these things, and I know that they are thuth, but I still doubt. And I still fear. He has done nothing but prove himself trustworthy.
Everytime I do sit and listen, he always speaks to me. And it is always wonderful. Last night, he gave me a new revelation. (He tends to do that a lot!) I was sitting with my eyes closed, blocking out the visual distractions. I was meditating on one verse - Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." I have heard and read this verse a million times. But, I asked God for a new revelation. I sat and I waited. I felt his presence. The Holy Spirit brought to my mind a person/situation that I have been coming to him about a lot lately. Then I heard this verse in a new way... "Be STILL (do nothing, just watch). And you will KNOW that I am God." It made me think of my last blog post. It was about leading or being led. God was telling me not to lead. He was telling me to be still; let him do the work. He said that when I am still and watch HIM do it, then I will Know that HE is God. It will not be me. It will not be in my power. I will know and everyone who witnesses will know that he is God. No matter what the outcome is, I will still know.
We have to stop talking soooo much. We have to listen. When we listen, we will hear him. And when we hear him, our hearts change. The Holy Spirit guides us to pray for what is on His heart rather than our own. Our hearts becomes more and more like his until our desires are the same. His will, his glory, his power, his strength, his presence. This is what we will desire. Oh Lord, let my heart be like your's. Change me. I will be still and watch. You are always so faithful without fail. Show your glory.