Why is it so hard to just be real? Why are we so afraid to just be ourselves and say what we want to say? It's so easy to wear our masks that constantly say everything is ok. If you are anything like me, talking about your weaknesses and struggles is really hard. It definitely is for me! There are some people that I open up to pretty easily. But, for the most part, its so much easier for me to only talk about the things that I want people to know. The problem with that is, everything is not always ok. Sometimes things are really sucky. Sometimes, I get so weighed down with shame and self-hate. And sometimes I really want to talk about it. I want to reach out to people and ask for prayer. I am so quick to tell others that I will pray for them - and I mean it. I really do pray for people. God has called me to intercede for others. But sometimes, the intercessor needs some intercession. What am I so afraid of? I don't know why, but it is really hard for me to believe people when they say that they will pray. So, if I share too much, I feel foolish. This is what I hear in my head: "what was the point of telling all that - they don't really care - they aren't really going to pray - they're just going to forget - you care more about them then they care about you - that was stupid to open up like that - next time don't talk so much."
You know what the funny thing is? It's not just about sharing my struggles. I hear those things even when I open up and encourage someone - when I share how much I care about them. I have noticed this kind of attack just about everytime I share any kind of emotion - postive or negative. Satan knows a woman's biggest fear - our biggest question. "Am I worth it? What if I'm not worth it?" We almost constantly fear that we are "too much" but "not enough" all at the same time. Too emotional, too complicated, too jealous, too insecure, too independent, too obsessed with things, too talkative, too closed off, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not successful enough, not vulnerable enough, not organized enough, not smart enough, not "proverbs 31" enough....... its exhausting....
I have all of these fears and more. I think it all comes down to a huge fear of rejection - that it may turn out that I'm not worth it. I know this post seems a little depressing, but you know what? Sometimes Michelle Miller gets depressed. I don't always have it together, I don't always know the right thing to say, I don't always do the right thing. God is really dealing with me about some stuff. He's been bringing some issues to the surface and having me share them with different people. It's hard for me. But we have to recognize and admit where we lack so that we will recognize our intense need for God. And when people share their crap with me, I don't feel quite so bad about my own crap. I feel like there's hope. And isn't that what we are all called to do? Share the hope we have found in Christ? Although, this post may have been more of a release than anything else - I hope it helps someone to know that they aren't alone and there is hope. And in the words of my dear friend Katie, "We all have shit, we just dress it up different!"
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthinans 12:7-10
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