Why is it so hard to just be real? Why are we so afraid to just be ourselves and say what we want to say? It's so easy to wear our masks that constantly say everything is ok. If you are anything like me, talking about your weaknesses and struggles is really hard. It definitely is for me! There are some people that I open up to pretty easily. But, for the most part, its so much easier for me to only talk about the things that I want people to know. The problem with that is, everything is not always ok. Sometimes things are really sucky. Sometimes, I get so weighed down with shame and self-hate. And sometimes I really want to talk about it. I want to reach out to people and ask for prayer. I am so quick to tell others that I will pray for them - and I mean it. I really do pray for people. God has called me to intercede for others. But sometimes, the intercessor needs some intercession. What am I so afraid of? I don't know why, but it is really hard for me to believe people when they say that they will pray. So, if I share too much, I feel foolish. This is what I hear in my head: "what was the point of telling all that - they don't really care - they aren't really going to pray - they're just going to forget - you care more about them then they care about you - that was stupid to open up like that - next time don't talk so much."
You know what the funny thing is? It's not just about sharing my struggles. I hear those things even when I open up and encourage someone - when I share how much I care about them. I have noticed this kind of attack just about everytime I share any kind of emotion - postive or negative. Satan knows a woman's biggest fear - our biggest question. "Am I worth it? What if I'm not worth it?" We almost constantly fear that we are "too much" but "not enough" all at the same time. Too emotional, too complicated, too jealous, too insecure, too independent, too obsessed with things, too talkative, too closed off, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not successful enough, not vulnerable enough, not organized enough, not smart enough, not "proverbs 31" enough....... its exhausting....
I have all of these fears and more. I think it all comes down to a huge fear of rejection - that it may turn out that I'm not worth it. I know this post seems a little depressing, but you know what? Sometimes Michelle Miller gets depressed. I don't always have it together, I don't always know the right thing to say, I don't always do the right thing. God is really dealing with me about some stuff. He's been bringing some issues to the surface and having me share them with different people. It's hard for me. But we have to recognize and admit where we lack so that we will recognize our intense need for God. And when people share their crap with me, I don't feel quite so bad about my own crap. I feel like there's hope. And isn't that what we are all called to do? Share the hope we have found in Christ? Although, this post may have been more of a release than anything else - I hope it helps someone to know that they aren't alone and there is hope. And in the words of my dear friend Katie, "We all have shit, we just dress it up different!"
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthinans 12:7-10
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Keep Your Ears Open and Your Mouth Shut...
"As you enter the house of God, keep your ears open and your mouth shut. It is evil to make mindless offerings to God. Don’t make rash promises, and don’t be hasty in bringing matters before God. After all, God is in heaven, and you are here on earth. So let your words be few." Eccl 5:1-2
I have been thinking about this a lot the past couple of days. How often do I just run my mouth to God and then get frustrated when things don't turn out the way I wanted? Then I think, "Are you even listening God? Hello?? Why can't you just answer this one thing the way I want you to?" I am so guilty of making rash promises and being hasty. My question should be, "Why do I not give God a chance to speak?" I wonder why I don't always hear him clearly. I wonder why I let my emotions cloud my discernment of his voice. But am I really even giving him a chance to speak?
The more I think about this, the more I realize that belief is not really my problem. I believe God can speak to me. I believe that he will speak to me. Actually, I know he will. But, sometimes that is exactly why I don't listen. I think my issue is more about my insecurity. I still so often doubt that his will toward me is good and that he loves me as much as he does. I fear that I will not want to hear what he has to say. The truth is, I don't take criticism well. I don't take discipline well. I never have. And for some reason, I fear that God is only going to criticize me. Why? Why do I doubt his goodness when all he has been is good? Why do I doubt his character? I still fear that he may not be trustworthy even though I know that he is. I fear that he will not approve, even though I know that his takes delight in me. I know these things, and I know that they are thuth, but I still doubt. And I still fear. He has done nothing but prove himself trustworthy.
Everytime I do sit and listen, he always speaks to me. And it is always wonderful. Last night, he gave me a new revelation. (He tends to do that a lot!) I was sitting with my eyes closed, blocking out the visual distractions. I was meditating on one verse - Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." I have heard and read this verse a million times. But, I asked God for a new revelation. I sat and I waited. I felt his presence. The Holy Spirit brought to my mind a person/situation that I have been coming to him about a lot lately. Then I heard this verse in a new way... "Be STILL (do nothing, just watch). And you will KNOW that I am God." It made me think of my last blog post. It was about leading or being led. God was telling me not to lead. He was telling me to be still; let him do the work. He said that when I am still and watch HIM do it, then I will Know that HE is God. It will not be me. It will not be in my power. I will know and everyone who witnesses will know that he is God. No matter what the outcome is, I will still know.
We have to stop talking soooo much. We have to listen. When we listen, we will hear him. And when we hear him, our hearts change. The Holy Spirit guides us to pray for what is on His heart rather than our own. Our hearts becomes more and more like his until our desires are the same. His will, his glory, his power, his strength, his presence. This is what we will desire. Oh Lord, let my heart be like your's. Change me. I will be still and watch. You are always so faithful without fail. Show your glory.
I have been thinking about this a lot the past couple of days. How often do I just run my mouth to God and then get frustrated when things don't turn out the way I wanted? Then I think, "Are you even listening God? Hello?? Why can't you just answer this one thing the way I want you to?" I am so guilty of making rash promises and being hasty. My question should be, "Why do I not give God a chance to speak?" I wonder why I don't always hear him clearly. I wonder why I let my emotions cloud my discernment of his voice. But am I really even giving him a chance to speak?
The more I think about this, the more I realize that belief is not really my problem. I believe God can speak to me. I believe that he will speak to me. Actually, I know he will. But, sometimes that is exactly why I don't listen. I think my issue is more about my insecurity. I still so often doubt that his will toward me is good and that he loves me as much as he does. I fear that I will not want to hear what he has to say. The truth is, I don't take criticism well. I don't take discipline well. I never have. And for some reason, I fear that God is only going to criticize me. Why? Why do I doubt his goodness when all he has been is good? Why do I doubt his character? I still fear that he may not be trustworthy even though I know that he is. I fear that he will not approve, even though I know that his takes delight in me. I know these things, and I know that they are thuth, but I still doubt. And I still fear. He has done nothing but prove himself trustworthy.
Everytime I do sit and listen, he always speaks to me. And it is always wonderful. Last night, he gave me a new revelation. (He tends to do that a lot!) I was sitting with my eyes closed, blocking out the visual distractions. I was meditating on one verse - Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." I have heard and read this verse a million times. But, I asked God for a new revelation. I sat and I waited. I felt his presence. The Holy Spirit brought to my mind a person/situation that I have been coming to him about a lot lately. Then I heard this verse in a new way... "Be STILL (do nothing, just watch). And you will KNOW that I am God." It made me think of my last blog post. It was about leading or being led. God was telling me not to lead. He was telling me to be still; let him do the work. He said that when I am still and watch HIM do it, then I will Know that HE is God. It will not be me. It will not be in my power. I will know and everyone who witnesses will know that he is God. No matter what the outcome is, I will still know.
We have to stop talking soooo much. We have to listen. When we listen, we will hear him. And when we hear him, our hearts change. The Holy Spirit guides us to pray for what is on His heart rather than our own. Our hearts becomes more and more like his until our desires are the same. His will, his glory, his power, his strength, his presence. This is what we will desire. Oh Lord, let my heart be like your's. Change me. I will be still and watch. You are always so faithful without fail. Show your glory.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
To Lead or Be Led...
Recently, I was asked a question. "At what point do you stop waiting for God to give a clear answer and just take some action and make something happen?" Now, I am definitely no expert on the voice of God. I like to think I have some level of discernment and know God's voice. But in those times when you are unsure of exactly what to do - that question always arises. Should I go ahead and do something?? Or do I continue to wait on God? Or, maybe he really is telling me to do something but I'm just not reading the signs or taking the clues... maybe I'm not hearing his voice correctly. I have had so many times when I thought God was telling me something so I went after it with my whole heart, and then it did not turn out the way I had hoped. So, then I feel so foolish and I question whether or not I really know his voice at all. I think about how much I seek after him and how much I desire to please him and do his will. Then when I get it wrong, a thousand things go through my head. Should I have done something differently? Should I have waited? Maybe I prayed wrong? Maybe my motives were wrong?
Something tells me I am not alone in these fears and insecurities. I'm sure they are very common among people who are seeking God's will for their lives. When I look back, I see that some of those things I stepped into on my own were my mistakes. Perhaps my discernment was clouded by my flesh. I think I know what I want. So I think I see confirmation. I make my own connections. So, to avoid these mistakes, is it ok to just wait and do nothing? Should I always be "stepping out in faith" in every situation even if I'm unsure? Are there times when I should just wait and pray? And again, at what time does that waiting and praying turn into stepping out in faith?
One of my very favorite passages in the bible is 2Chronicles 20:1-30. This is the story of King Jehoshaphat. He is faced with a huge problem. A large army (much larger than his) is coming against him. He is terrified and the first thing he does is ask the Lord what he should do. He prays with all the people of Judah standing there. Then the Lord speaks through a man named Jahaziel. God tells them, "Don't be afraid or discouraged because of this large army. The battle is not your battle, it is God's... You won't need to fight in this battle. Just stand strong in your places, and you will see the Lord save you..." Such a powerful response!! And the people do just that; they stand strong. They don't fight, but they don't do nothing either. They stand and sing praises and worship God. While they worship, they watch the Lord cause their enemies to kill each other. Afterwards, they go down to the battlefield and all they see are dead bodies. No one was left alive; no one escaped. There were so many valuables left that it took the people of Judah 3 days to gather it all!
I love this story because Jehoshaphat had a choice. He could have doubted God's plan and decided to fight as hard as he could, step out, and make something happen. God specifically told him not to step out. And even though it did not seem like the wise choice. It might have seemed to outsiders that he was giving up or being lazy... expecting God to do all the work. But in reality, he was giving up... he was giving up control and letting God be God. He wasn't just sitting on the sidelines doing nothing. He was worshipping God! He was praising God while he waited for him to do his thing. I have really thought and prayed over that question I was asked. And I think the key is intimacy with God. We don't wait idle. We go to him immediately. We worship him. We seek him. We stay in communion with him. Then we will know when to take the next step. I do know his voice. The enemy cannot take that from me. He can cause me to doubt it sometimes - but the Word says that I know it - and THAT is Truth! Satan cannot change the truth. And if I make a mistake, which I will because I'm human, God still uses my mistakes for my good. He makes all things new. And he is always in control, even when things seem out of control.
Something tells me I am not alone in these fears and insecurities. I'm sure they are very common among people who are seeking God's will for their lives. When I look back, I see that some of those things I stepped into on my own were my mistakes. Perhaps my discernment was clouded by my flesh. I think I know what I want. So I think I see confirmation. I make my own connections. So, to avoid these mistakes, is it ok to just wait and do nothing? Should I always be "stepping out in faith" in every situation even if I'm unsure? Are there times when I should just wait and pray? And again, at what time does that waiting and praying turn into stepping out in faith?
One of my very favorite passages in the bible is 2Chronicles 20:1-30. This is the story of King Jehoshaphat. He is faced with a huge problem. A large army (much larger than his) is coming against him. He is terrified and the first thing he does is ask the Lord what he should do. He prays with all the people of Judah standing there. Then the Lord speaks through a man named Jahaziel. God tells them, "Don't be afraid or discouraged because of this large army. The battle is not your battle, it is God's... You won't need to fight in this battle. Just stand strong in your places, and you will see the Lord save you..." Such a powerful response!! And the people do just that; they stand strong. They don't fight, but they don't do nothing either. They stand and sing praises and worship God. While they worship, they watch the Lord cause their enemies to kill each other. Afterwards, they go down to the battlefield and all they see are dead bodies. No one was left alive; no one escaped. There were so many valuables left that it took the people of Judah 3 days to gather it all!
I love this story because Jehoshaphat had a choice. He could have doubted God's plan and decided to fight as hard as he could, step out, and make something happen. God specifically told him not to step out. And even though it did not seem like the wise choice. It might have seemed to outsiders that he was giving up or being lazy... expecting God to do all the work. But in reality, he was giving up... he was giving up control and letting God be God. He wasn't just sitting on the sidelines doing nothing. He was worshipping God! He was praising God while he waited for him to do his thing. I have really thought and prayed over that question I was asked. And I think the key is intimacy with God. We don't wait idle. We go to him immediately. We worship him. We seek him. We stay in communion with him. Then we will know when to take the next step. I do know his voice. The enemy cannot take that from me. He can cause me to doubt it sometimes - but the Word says that I know it - and THAT is Truth! Satan cannot change the truth. And if I make a mistake, which I will because I'm human, God still uses my mistakes for my good. He makes all things new. And he is always in control, even when things seem out of control.
Vulnerable or Guarded?
For the past year or so, I have been pondering this idea of being vulnerable yet guarding my heart at the same time. We are told "above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23. And I definitely agree with that! So many times, I have failed to guard my heart, especially regarding guys. I desire marriage so much that sometimes I will defraud myself into thinking that I have met the one. And now, it is up to me to "make it happen!" I know now that this way of thinking is so common among women. I also know that it can be dangerous. Why do I long to give my heart away so quickly? For so long I saw myself as "the girl who's never dated." I pretty much made that my identity. I know that my worth is not based on men. I know this. But still, this was a part of me. I felt like it set me apart from other girls. The downside is that all I had experienced was rejection. When you have only experienced feelings that are never returned, insecurity definitely sets in. You wonder what is wrong with you. So many times, I feel like I am not enough and too much all at the same time. At some point, guarding your heart gets a little easier. But it is out of fear of putting it out there at all. And is that how we are supposed to be? Are we supposed to be so guarded that we don't allow ourselves to feel anything until there is a guarantee the other person will share those feelings? I recently had my first dating experience, at the age of 24. It lasted less than 2 weeks. It just wasn't the right thing - for many reasons. For one thing, my heart was not in it, and neither was his. We also both had very different ideas on what a relationship should look like. I won't go into all the little things. I'll just say that I stepped out there and gave it a chance even though I was not initially interested. So, it was easy to guard my heart because I was not emotionally invested. But, the lack of feelings kept me from being at all vulnerable. In this case, I was not quenching feelings. They just were not there. So I ended things. But what about someone else? I think its a balance. Feelings make us want us to be vulnerable, but also make it difficult to guard our hearts. I'm sure it is wonderful when it all works out in that balance and the other person shares the same feelings. But the uncertainty is so scary. At what point do I stop guarding so much and allow myself to be a little vulnerable with someone I do have feelings for? It is such a risk. Such a risk that it would be the same old thing. Just one more person who does not feel the same. Just one more rejection. But at the same time, if I guard too much and don't allow myself to feel anything at all, because of fear... what might I miss? I really don't want to deal with all of this stuff. I just want to be chosen. I want to be sought after. I want someone to think I'm special and worth the effort. Maybe I will just have to wait for that. But I know he's not going to fall from heaven! I have to deal with the vulnerable/guarded balance. There are no guarantees. I definitely don't have things figured out. But I do know that fear and insecurity are not from God.
Lord, show me this balance. Help me to discern when I am supposed to really guard my heart and when I can be a little vulnerable. Protect my heart, God. And I pray for my husband - that you will protect his heart as well. Thank you for preparing me for him, and him for me. Guide our steps...
Lord, show me this balance. Help me to discern when I am supposed to really guard my heart and when I can be a little vulnerable. Protect my heart, God. And I pray for my husband - that you will protect his heart as well. Thank you for preparing me for him, and him for me. Guide our steps...
Something Different
All my life I have felt different... like there is something different... maybe even special about my life. I have felt a calling on my life that even I don't fully understand. I've just always known that I am to live my life differently than other people. I know that I'm being pretty vague, but the reason is because I don't always know what it means. I just know that God has called me to live for Him and Him alone. Most people value plans and financial security. Those things seem wise and it makes sense that people would want to secure their futures. They make plans and know what will come next, or have something to fall back on "just in case." For some reason, I have never really had that kind of mentality. God has called me to live differently - day by day, step by step.
In Genesis 12:1, The Lord said to Abram, "Leave your country, your relatives, and your father's family, and go to the land I will show you. I will make you a great nation, and I will bless you. I will make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others. I will bless those who bless you, and I will place a curse on those you harm you. And all the people on earth will be blessed through you." (NCV)
When God tells me to step - I step. When he tells me to stay - I stay. I don't value money all that much. For the past 2 and a half years, God has carried me. I know we have to have money to live a decent life, I won't deny that. I just know that all the money is His anyway. I have never been without. I have never lacked anything. I try not to worry about what I will eat or wear or anything like that. He always provides. His provisions are even above and beyond what I ask. "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33. Christ is the only security in my life. Yes, I have been blessed with a wonderful and supportive family. But, even they do not always understand my call.
Day by day, step by step. "I'll let you know when you get there." It doesn't seem very secure; does it? But that's the beauty of it all! It is the most secure way there is to live! He is so much more capable of taking care of me than I am of taking care of myself. It definitely takes trust. God, however, has proven himself to me over and over throughout my whole life. He is more than capable. He is trustworthy. And HIS plans for me are good. His plans are so much better than mine. I have experienced things and felt his presence in ways that not many people my age have. Like I said, I have always felt that my life was different in some way. I don't know why, but I am grateful for his providence. Oh, how I love Him. He is the only true constant in my life. Even my parents cannot compare to His faithfullness and His unconditional love for me. I can rest in the fact that I am in His hands. He takes care of me. And nothing can change that. Nothing.
In Genesis 12:1, The Lord said to Abram, "Leave your country, your relatives, and your father's family, and go to the land I will show you. I will make you a great nation, and I will bless you. I will make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others. I will bless those who bless you, and I will place a curse on those you harm you. And all the people on earth will be blessed through you." (NCV)
When God tells me to step - I step. When he tells me to stay - I stay. I don't value money all that much. For the past 2 and a half years, God has carried me. I know we have to have money to live a decent life, I won't deny that. I just know that all the money is His anyway. I have never been without. I have never lacked anything. I try not to worry about what I will eat or wear or anything like that. He always provides. His provisions are even above and beyond what I ask. "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33. Christ is the only security in my life. Yes, I have been blessed with a wonderful and supportive family. But, even they do not always understand my call.
Day by day, step by step. "I'll let you know when you get there." It doesn't seem very secure; does it? But that's the beauty of it all! It is the most secure way there is to live! He is so much more capable of taking care of me than I am of taking care of myself. It definitely takes trust. God, however, has proven himself to me over and over throughout my whole life. He is more than capable. He is trustworthy. And HIS plans for me are good. His plans are so much better than mine. I have experienced things and felt his presence in ways that not many people my age have. Like I said, I have always felt that my life was different in some way. I don't know why, but I am grateful for his providence. Oh, how I love Him. He is the only true constant in my life. Even my parents cannot compare to His faithfullness and His unconditional love for me. I can rest in the fact that I am in His hands. He takes care of me. And nothing can change that. Nothing.
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