Simplifying the Skeltons! Month One/Day Twenty Two

Posted by Michelle

  Well, here we are... the first day of the last week of the food month. I thought I would never get here! The past 3 weeks have stretched me just as much as I knew they would. This month has exposed my weaknesses AND showed me how strong my God is. Amazing how that works!
  So far I have had 3 meltdowns. One per week. The 1st one was mostly because I didn't think I could get through this month. My cravings for other foods, not on the list, were too strong! I felt like a failure before I really even got going. The second meltdown was after my eyes were opened and my sin was exposed. I became frighteningly aware of how much I run to food instead of God. I already knew this, but the fast meant that I really had to deal with it. That is why this month in particular was so scary and yet so important for me. Before we even started this fast, I knew the food month would be the most significant. That's why we chose to do it first. I knew that I carried "chains" in this area, and I have been carrying them for a very, very long time. Actually, I've carried them for as long as I can remember.
  Even when I was in elementary school, I remember throwing my lunch in the trash because I felt awkward eating in front of my friends. This carried on into middle school and high school where I would often starve myself all day at school. Then, at night when my parents were asleep, I would sneak food out of the pantry and eat in my room. I was hungry because I had only eaten dinner that day. And at this time of night, I was by myself. I didn't have to feel insecure. However, this behavior was a false sense of security. My body never cooperated with what I was trying to accomplish by starving myself at school. All this did was deepen a very unhealthy relationship with food and deepen a very unhealthy hatred of my body. When I was a kid, my parents didn't know much about eating disorders. But that's exactly what I had. I was never underweight, I wasn't throwing up, and I wasn't 300 pounds. So, I didn't look or act (in front of others) like a kid with an eating disorder. Plus, there was no Google to look up symptoms! I could go into great detail about reasons why I have carried the chains of "Eating Disorder" and "Body Hatred" for so long. I could tell you all about my biological mother and her addictions and abandonment. (For those who don't know, Vickie is actually my step-mom. But she raised me and I call her "Mom"). But that's another post for another day.
  This all brings me to my 3rd meltdown. It was Thursday night. This one was triggered by fear. A fear that I was wasting this fast and would come out of it having not accomplished anything except sticking to a list of foods. I could have done a fad diet plan for that! I was afraid I would end up not doing anything I was really supposed to do... and ruin it. I felt like a failure. I was afraid I would still be carrying around the same chains with no real change. That everything would go back to the way it was. Through my husband's encouraging words, God reminded me that I don't have to DO anything to GET him to break chains! It's a gift. It's what he does! Am I still afraid that I will just pick them back up again?? Of course! But I know that they will never be locked onto me again. I have to choose everyday to drop them and not pick them up. This gift of freedom can be scary sometimes because I keep thinking I could screw it up. And I might... but God never gives up on me. He is always there to remind me that I am already free.

This is a video with the lyrics from the song, "The Gift" by Seether. I don't know if Shaun Morgan is a Christian or not, but this song is EXACTLY how I have felt and what I have said to God. (And it's a beautiful song!) Listen.